Moms need to Know

Mike and I had a LONG conversation last night about telling our parents.  First we decided that we for sure aren't telling anyone until we have our first ultrasound at FCI.  He wants to make sure we tell his family in person.  I totally understand that.  Telling people over the phone or FaceTime just won't have the same effect.  We want to celebrate with everyone.

What I didn't think about was the timing between telling our parents.  I will be ready to tell them both right after our ultrasound.  Since we're going to go to Philly to tell them Mike wants to wait to tell my parents until close to when we leave for Philly.  I didn't realize it at first but it just isn't fair for some of our parents to know way before the others.  We looked at the calendar.  Mike is going out of town Valentine's Day weekend so we will need to go to Philly after that.  The weekend of the 20th is Amanda's Shower.  The weekend after that we have Lucio's pop up restaurant dinner.  So it looks like we will be going the first weekend of March.  AHHHHH!!!  Can we wait that long??  I seriously never thought I'd hide pregnancy from my parents for so long but it looks like we are.  I hope they truly understand our reasons why.  I hope all our parents and friends forgive us for lying to them for so long.

I went to dinner with Katie and Becky on Tuesday night.  They asked what was going on with me and I totally lied and said we needed to pick a date for transfer but now it's seeming too real and we need to wait a little.  I THINK they bought it but I don't know.

We had Sarah's birthday brunch today.  I was starving when I got there and ate a ton.  I wasn't going to stay out with Sarah after brunch and she understood.  After brunch I got incredibly nauseous and tired.  I came home and napped on the couch for almost 3 hours.  I did some reading about morning sickness.  The article I read said it typically starts around week 6, but if you have multiples it could start earlier.  Is this why I got nauseous today?  Are there 2 little sesame seeds in there?

The Results are In

Jill from Dr. Kaplan just called. If my test is positve my HCG should be over 25, I'm at 320 something!!!!!  I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok now I need to think of a cute way to tell mike.....

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So I raced home after school to make sure I beat him here.  I knew that I had 1 pregnancy test under our sink.  I took it, cleaned it up and put it on his computer.  I started stalking him on Find My Friends to see where he was and he was less than a mile away.  I sat on the couch ready with my video camera to capture the moment.

We sat and cried together and got so excited!!  I downloaded a pregnancy app and according to it I am 5 weeks pregnant.  My due date is September 30th.  This is all so nuts!!!!!

Tick tock

Stress isn't good for me but I'm freaking out!

Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Today is the Day

I'm sitting in the waiting room at FCI. I told Mike last night that no matter what happens today we are going to be ok. I told him that I loved him and everything is going to be fine. 

But what if I'm not pregnant. Am I really going to be ok?  How am I going to survive the rest of my day if I'm not. I know I'm supposed to keep my stress level low but this is crazy!

I can't imagine if I was Ashley. They told her that she needs to get her test on 2/3. I would be flipping out. I could barely make it to today. 

I have felt really good this week. I have just been insanely tired. I don't know if that's because I have come back to work after having a week off or if it's a sign. My new bestest buddy Irma Santiago asked me if I was feeling ok on Tuesday. I said yeah I'm fine. She then asked if I was pregnant. I told her no. She said that I had a baby face going on and she thought I was. Well Irma, I'll know today!

The Perfect Shot

Mike is going a little stir crazy!  I'm still trying to take it easy and be stress free but Mike is getting very bored with this!  We ordered a pizza tonight and Mike decided he was just gonna start drinking.  Half a bottle of wine and a very strong Jack and Ginger later I realized that he hadn't given me my shot yet.  FUCK!  I told him to please sober up a little bit and focus.  We need to do this before he continues to drink.  I went straight into our bathroom to get everything ready.  I hear him get up and say "well you don't realize how drunk you are until you stand up." DOUBLE FUCK!  When he came into the bathroom he got serious.  He numbed the area and I swear I had no idea he had even given it to me when he was done.  It was the best one yet!!!  No pain whatsoever!!!  I think we found another trick to make this easier on me.

Couch Potato

So I have been on the couch since Wednesday.  I feel so bad lying to so many people at work.  A lot of people have emailed, texted and chatted me to see how I'm feeling.  My response has been the same "strep is a bitch".  My mom called on Wednesday just to chat and tell me about Marlene.  She warned me that a funeral could be coming soon.  I told her we have testing going on at school and I don't think I can miss.  I can't tell her that I haven't been at work for 4 days and I can't miss another one!  Of course I'll go to shivah but there is no way I can go to the funeral.  I'll explain to Uncle Ken later.  I know he'll understand.

So it turns out seeing Ashley at Dr. Kaplan's has been great.  We've texted each other checking in.  She gave me tips that her acupuncturist gave her.  Thanks to her I'm no longer eating ice cream or drinking ice water.  It's all tea and pineapple for me!

Even though I have been couch ridden I have gotten so much done!  I pretty much have all my lesson plans done for February, planned our Parenthood finale dinner, posted things for our LEAP grant and organized all my NWEA data.  I also FINALLY started reading The Andy Cohen Diaries and it's hysterical!  I love behind the scenes gossip and that's what this is!

Amanda came over on Wednesday to check on me and bring me a present.  She researched what to eat/drink after a transfer.  She brought me pineapple, decaffeinated tea, and gatorade.  I can't believe how thoughtful she is.  I have such a wonderful friend!

Wednesday night was tough.  Mike and I went into the bathroom to do my ass shot.  I prepared everything.  I gave Mike the needle.  He stuck it in and it REALLY hurt so I jumped.  He kept going and it hurt so bad that I yelled out.  He got really frustrated I could tell, but I can't help it!  He took the needle out and said I was bleeding.  I looked in the mirror and blood was dripping out of my butt.  I felt it running down to my leg.  I started hysterically crying while he cleaned me up.  He kept saying that he fucked everything up and if I don't get pregnant it will be all his fault.  I tried to tell him it was ok through my tears but obviously he didn't believe me.

I called the nurse the next day and explained what happened.  She totally calmed me down.  She said that he most likely hit a capillary and that's why I was so bloody.  She also reassured me that he didn't mess everything up.  I am getting tons of progesterone since I take it 4 times a day.  She gave me some other tips to make it easier.  She said I can use ice to numb the area first, lay down, she also said Mike could slap the area to make it tougher so it won't hurt as much.  I didn't tell him that one!  We tried the ice last night and it worked!!  I didn't jump at all!  We found our new trick!!

I have felt pretty much the same.  I have had some cramping and tightness in my stomach.  It has really freaked me out and made me super nervous.  I texted Ashley about it and she was feeling the same thing.  It made me breathe so much easier.  I told Mike about the cramping when he got home from work tonight, he told me the nurse said it was normal.  Apparently that Valium did work!

Mike has really been great these last few days.  He's made dinner every night, done the dishes, cleaned up.  All he wants me to do it just relax.  He hasn't been happy that I've done so much work.  What he doesn't understand is that the work that I have  been doing isn't stressful, it keeps me busy and takes my mind off of everything.

The rest of the weekend I plan on staying on the couch and just letting gravity do its thing.  All I keep singing to myself is this...

Today's the Day!!!

January 20th!  The day is here.  I've been doing a lot of praying yesterday and today, something I don't usually do.  However, this whole experience has made me much more spiritual.  It makes me believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't know those reasons.

A week or two after we met with Dr. Kaplan and he told us that IVF was the next step I had an extremely spiritual moment.  I spent all of Yom Kippur service crying my eyes out and praying as hard as I could for this to all work.  About a week after that Irma Santiago from school, sweet sweet hispanic woman that loves church came up to me out of nowhere.  She asked me if I believed in the power of prayer.  I told her yes.  She said so you believe that if you ask GD for something enough he will bring it to you.  I said yes.  She said ok because GD just came to me and told me to tell you that he has heard you.  He has heard you and what you are waiting for is going to come to you.  I started crying to Irma.  How else would she have known that I had been praying so hard the week before?  I have never told her anything about wanting kids.  This experience made me confident that GD is looking out for us and our future baby.  This is going to work.

So yesterday I had a very weird experience.  The lab called us around 10:00.  They said that they were getting ready for our transfer today and they needed to know how many embryos to thaw.  Embryos to thaw?!?!  Mike said it was like they were asking how many chicken breasts to make for dinner!!  We decided on 2.  I have confidence and reservations about implanting 2.

Pros:
Gives us more of a chance for success

Cons:
Actually have twins!

It got me thinking and very nervous about if Mike and I could handle twins.  I see my friends that have one and they are having a tough time.  It feels like lately we have only heard stories about the trouble of twins.  Could we handle two?  At the same time??  Can we afford 2 at the same time?  The fear rushed over me on and off throughout the day.  I kept thinking like we made some huge mistake by thawing two.   I had to push all of these feelings down in order to make myself stress free.  GD has a plan for Mike and me and we are going to be able to handle anything he throws our way.

I spent the last 2 days getting ready for bed rest.  I did LOTS of cleaning and laundry and putting clothes away and grocery shopping.  Mike said it was like I was going through a weird nesting phase.  It is only because once they implant I want to only worry about laying in bed.  I want to keep my stress down and just take care of me.  If I knew I had tons of dishes in the sink and dirty room I would want to clean it while I was stuck here at home.

These might be my last few hours just taking care of my own body.  What a weird and exciting thought!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ok!  It's done!  I have 2 embryos inside of me!!

We got to Highland Park FCI.  The waiting room was PACKED.  There were 4 couples ahead of us.  Mike and I were laughing about this one girl who got up and sat on her husband's lap in the middle of the waiting room when there were plenty of other chairs.  Then we were shocked...in walked Kat and Ashley H.  You have GOT to be kidding me.  I have been going to Dr. Kaplan for almost a year and I have NEVER seen anyone I knew.  Today, the one day that I was trying so desperately to keep quiet, we saw 2 people!

Ashley was also there for her transfer.  I immediately told them that Jenn had no clue that I was there.  I explained that since the removal I haven't talked about it with anyone.  They both swore up and down that they wouldn't tell anyone.  I believe them but it's still nerve wracking.

Mike and got taken to the room.  We signed off that it was ok to implant 2 embryos then I had to take my Valium.  It definitely relaxed me but wasn't as strong as I thought.  They brought us back to the room that they would do the transfer.  On my way to the room I saw Dr. Kaplan.  I was a little drowsy so I know I looked like a mess.  Well apparently I was showing some butt cheek because Dr. Kaplan fixed me!  Oy vey.

We went to the transfer room.  Mike sat at my head.  We saw both embryos on a screen while they were in the lab.  It was so cool.  Then they zoomed back.  It's crazy how tiny they are.  Then a man put the ultrasound on my stomach and we watched Dr. Kaplan put them inside.  It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  As soon as it was over Dr. Kaplan almost ran out of the room.  I just wanted him to wait so I could hug him and thank him.  Luckily he was waiting for me outside of the room.  He gave me a hug and a kiss and told me that he was wishing me all the luck in the world.

I got home and was very sleepy.  I think it's still the Valium in my system.  I'm ready to veg out for the next few days.  This waiting game is gonna be a killer.  Next Friday we find out if I'm pregnant!

Finally Feel Ready

On Friday I stayed at work until 6:30 at night.  I know that seems nuts but I'm going to be gone for a whole week!  I needed to make sure everything is ready and nothing will be forgotten.  I read through my sub plans again and then made notes on my plans.  I then made notes about my notes to give to Kyle.  Christy and I left at the same time.  She has been so incredibly supportive I feel so lucky to have her as a boss.  She gave me a huge hug when I left and told me she'd be thinking about me all weekend.

Mike and I went out for sushi that night for dinner.  We were joking that I needed to get in as much sushi as I could before Tuesday.  If this works it's going to be a LOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGG time until I can sushi again.  We racked up a bill of $100 just for the two of us with no drinks!!

Saturday we spent the day with Jenn and Doug.  My oral medications I need to take at specific times.  Jenn saw me take my Medrol because my alarm went off at 1:00.  She asked me what it was for and I told her to get my ovaries under control.  I told her I over stimulated again so the doctor was trying to get me to normal.  It felt weird lying to her.  I've never done that before!!  When we went to dinner I had to take my antibiotic.  She again asked me what that pill was for and I had to lie to her again.  I just kept thinking about what her face would be like when the day comes that I can tell her that I'm pregnant.

The butt shots have gotten easier.  Mike and I are getting into a good routine.  He doesn't seem to be as nervous about it anymore, or he's just controlling his nerves better.  The bad part is after the shot.  The oil really stings.  Sitting on the heating pad helps in the moment but once I get up it hurts again.  I'm also very sick of these patches.  Mike and I joke that I have crop circles on my stomach.  I have tons of black circles all over my stomach that is left over sticky crap from the patches.  Even if I scrub them they still don't come off.  Am I ever going to feel normal again?

The Ass Shots Begin

You know your transfer is getting close when......


YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO START STICKING YOU IN THE ASS WITH NEEDLES!!!!!

Today I started new medications.  I no longer need to stick myself in the stomach.  I am taking Endometrin 3 times a day, a pill I need to put...you know.  I am also taking an antibiotic (thank gd since Mike's sick) and one other oral medication.  Lastly...the butt shots of progesterone.

After dinner Mike and I went into our bathroom and read through the instructions for probably the 50th time.  Not only do I have great instructions from the doctor but Dawn has been coaching me through these shots for weeks.  I can hear her voice now, "Make sure he massages your butt when it's over.  Sit on a heating pad when you're done.  I prepared the syringe and handed it off.   He stretched my skin tight and stuck me.  I was thinking this isn't bad, then all of a sudden it burned like crazy and I said "please hurry its really hurting!"  He rubbed the meds in and I went and sat on my mom's old blue heating pad from the 90s.  Still sitting on it as I'm typing by the way.

After all was said and done Mike was really nervous.  He's scared about screwing something up and this not going well.  I actually couldn't believe how nervous and a little freaked out he was.  I told him I'd call Dawn and she'd make us feel better.  Here are the words of wisdom we got tonight

• Did he massage?  Make sure he massages.
• You aren't going to screw anything up.  Just don't miss a day.
• When everything is over you aren't even going to remember it (funny how she remembers butt shots so clearly though hmmmmm)
• I'd do the butt shots again...if I only had one...won't do them again for a third though!
• Yes the lump in your ass is normal.  Your ass is going to get very lumpy.  Do not look at your ass in a mirror for a long time.
• I know it sucks but I promise you it is worth it

I mean I just love her so much.  Years and years ago she told me that if I ever have trouble getting pregnant I needed to go see Dr. Kaplan, I had no choice.  I'm so glad she didn't give me one.  I truly would be lost through this whole process without her. When I think of my friendship with Dawn I always hear the song For Good from Wicked in my head.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

My sub plans are finally finished! Once I print them, make copies, and clean my desk I'll finally feel ready to be gone for 4 days.  I know everything is going to be great.  I have such a wonderful supportive team.  5 days to go...

One More Week

Ahhhhhhh I can't believe my appointment is one week from today (or yesterday depending when I post this since it's almost midnight)!!  I have been so incredibly busy at work that I haven't even thought about blogging.

Let's start with Saturday.  Saturday night we had a surprise party for Scott's 30th birthday.  Earlier in the day Erica texted me asking brown or black and that was all.  I told her black.  When I saw her at the party she gave me a bracelet that she made me.  It has a tree of life on it and a red evil eye for protection. She told me before that she gave one to a friend of hers that was also having trouble getting pregnant and she did.  She wanted to make sure I had one too. Of course I immediately started crying and hugged her for what felt like what was forever.  I haven't taken it off since.  The next day I went in my jewelry box and took out my two other evil eye bracelets.  I feel like I need all the protection I can get.

Sunday Amanda called me just to talk and catch up.  I really miss talking to her every day since we're not together all the time.  We talked about work and friends and her pregnancy.  Then she stopped and asked me how I was feeling knowing I had this procedure coming up.  I had to tell her the truth about why I was missing next week.  She's in my room everyday, she needs to know I'll be gone.  I told her that I was feeling every emotion I think you can feel.  I'm excited that I may finally get pregnant.  I also feel scared that I may finally get pregnant.  I'm hopeful that it is going to work.  I am scared that it won't work.  I am anxious for the day to finally come.  I'm uneasy about not being truthful to so many people.  I truly have a different emotion every time I stop to think about it.  She sat and listened and truly cares about all that I am going through.  I am so lucky to have such incredible people that I work with that I am lucky to call my friends.

Since Saturday I have been working tirelessly on report cards that are due Friday at 8 AM.  I mean really...there isn't a better time than a Friday morning?!?!  UGHHHH  They have honestly taken over my life.  Between report cards, NWEA tests, DIBELS tests, and 3 meetings this week I feel lucky that I get next week off!  I would need it to recuperate even if I wasn't having this procedure.  I did tell Sarah though that I was trying to get everything that I possibly needed to get done this week done so I can just veg next week and be stress free.

So that's why I'm up so late tonight.  I'm working on report cards, newsletters, lesson plans and 15 pages of sub plans for next week.  It's a lot to take on but it needs to get done!  I feel like I'm making a good dent in all my work which is also taking away the stress.

As I was working on plans I heard a beeping come from our bedroom...the sound of the thermometer.   Then I hear "Mo...I have a fever".  My first response was "I'm sleeping on the couch."  I just can't get sick right now.  I know that's selfish of me but I think I have a right to be when it comes to my health right now.  I went into our room and tried to convince Mike to stay home tomorrow.  He said he couldn't because he wasn't prepared.  We have no Advil in the house because I can't take it.  The poor guy is shivering under the blankets so at 11:00 I put on my coat and went to Target to get meds.  It was me and all the restockers in the store.  What a sight to see!  I got him meds, soup, gatorade, saltines, and popsicles...all the sick staples.   I thought if I came home with all the supplies and told him how important it was for him to get better quickly that he'd stay home.  I got home and gave him the Advil.  I asked him again to please stay home so he could get healthy for me.  He told me he already called off.  THANK G-D!!!!!  He also said he was worried about me getting sick and didn't want me to take care of him.  I told him that was why I was moving out of our room.  I got my toothbrush, clothes for tomorrow, phone charger, and meds and moved to the couch.  Hopefully I won't make too much noise and he can sleep in the morning.  I need to call the nurse tomorrow and see if I should start my antibiotic early.

I went to the doctor yesterday for blood and ultrasound.  All my results came out great so I'm still on the right track.  I just want this week to fly by!

Bachelor Draft Night

I have been back at work for two days and hyped up on medications.  Everyone at school has been incredibly supportive that know what I'm going though.  Kyle has just been amazing.  He understands completely what a big deal this is and jumps in and helps me anywhere he can.  Amanda and Sarah have been so sweet, asking me how I'm feeling as seeing where they can support me.

Last night we went to Amanda's for our bachelor draft.  I had such a bad headache from the estrogen but I was ok without baby aspirin.  I did freak out a little though while I was watching.  One of the contestants, Whitney, is a fertility nurse from Chicago.  Going into the draft I was thinking I was going to pick her because of just how wonderful all of the nurses have been.  I just wanted her to find love and for some reason I thought that if she was on my team she would.

They showed Whitney at work.  It said aparent on her scrubs.  I was bummed that it wasn't FCI.  Then they showed her walking down the stairs of the office building and it looked JUST LIKE the Highland Park medical center.  I searched aparent in my email and aparent is the lab that is handling our embryos!!!

Then I finally got to see her interact with Chris and it was super awkward.  I didn't think the connected so she moved from my top pick to my second choice.  I picked Becca first and was ready to pick Whitney at my next choice, then Beth swooped in and took her!  UGH!!!!

I changed my patches when I got home.  This time I tried putting them on my thigh like the nurse suggested.  OWWW  My leg started hurting like 20 minutes later.  It honestly hurt to walk or put pressure on it.  I think I'm going to stick to my stomach.

Tonight though I was given the best gift of all......

Last Day of Winter Break

Tomorrow I go back to school after two weeks off.  I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to know I only need to get through 2 more weeks of work before I get another week off.  I spent a lot of time yesterday writing sub plans and secured my sub for the week.

This morning I needed to change my estrogen patches.  It was kind of like taking off a bandaid.  One hurt like crazy and the other one was very easy.  I put 2 more on on the other side of my stomach.

We went to Aunt Jaime's house today for our white elephant party.  It was really weird seeing my mom and my whole family knowing what is going to happen in 2 weeks but none of them knowing.  It's like we have this crazy secret between Mike and I, it's a little fun. Of course as soon as I got there I got a headache from the patches and I didn't bring anything with me.  My notes from the doctor say to take baby aspirin with them but I haven't been doing that.  I drowned myself full of water since Aunt J couldn't find her Tylenol.

I decided now that I'm going back to school putting patches on before I go to school isn't going to be a good idea.  They really make me feel awful.  I'll change them when I get home from school so I can just lay in bed and let them take over my body.

Mom FaceTimed me as soon as I started typing this post.  She saw I was in bed and I just told her I was really tired and had Sunday back to work blues.  Little does she know I'm nauseous and uncomfortable from the patches.  It'll be interesting to see how my body handles being back at school tomorrow...

Here we go!

So I finally heard back from the doctor yesterday.  The left over follicles got smaller so we are ready to start medication for transfer!  The 20th is still the big day.  Now I need to start all new medication.  I started last night.

This is my new medication schedule.  The first new medication is the estrogen patches.  They look like circle stickers that I put on my stomach or thigh.  I put them on last night and after about 30 minutes they started to burn a little and I was nauseous and had a headache.  We had dinner plans with Michael, Lauren and Savannah and all through dinner I was so uncomfortable.

I don't change the patches until tomorrow.  Right now there is a gross film around them, like if I kept a bandaid on for too long.  The nurse said that my skin can get irritated so when I put new patches on I need to switch the side or the location of them.

I just need to keep focusing on the end goal here.  The headaches and burning is all going to be worth it once I get pregnant.  

When I first made my appointment for transfer I emailed Sarah and Christy about missing so much work.  I told them that I was going to be out for sure Tues-Thurs (the nurses said I need to be on bed rest) however I was up in the air about missing Friday too.  I hate missing so much work and I don't want them to think that I'm taking advantage of the situation.  However, I want to do everything I can to make sure this works and in my opinion I need to be in bed.  Sarah emailed me back right away and said to take Friday but she wanted to hear what Christy's opinion was.  I finally heard back from Christy today and she also told me to take Friday.  I need to start writing sub plans now!!

Monica: Well?
Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.
Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its job.

Where we're at with IVF

Mike and I have been going through infertility treatments since April.  It has been incredibly difficult but our marriage has never been stronger.  In December we went through the IVF retrieval process and successfully froze 7 embryos.  Our doctors were so happy with our results and so are we.

Before we started the IVF process I decided I didn't want to tell anyone when we would be doing the transfer procedure.  There were many reasons why I made that decision.

1. I thought if we told people that we were implanting embryos I'd be feeling incredibly pressure knowing so many people knew

2. If it didn't work I knew it would be incredibly difficult on both Mike and I and didn't want to make it even more difficult by having to call people and say that I'm not pregnant

3. This process is so technical.  I was starting to feel like we were losing the excitement of getting pregnant and having a baby.  I have always dreamed about how I would tell my mom, dad and siblings that I was pregnant and now with the invention of Pinterest that excitement of telling them has only grown.  I still want there to be a sense of mystery and excitement when the day comes that I can finally announce that I am pregnant.

So why did I decide to start blogging about all of this now?  Well I have an appointment scheduled for transfer on January 20th and it has been so difficult not telling anyone about the appointment.  I wanted a place to write down all of my feelings about this that I can look back on later or even show our parents and child one day.

I had a blood and ultrasound appointment on Tuesday.  The nurses said my hormones look great and my blood work was awesome.  However I have a few residual follicles still in my ovaries.  According to the nurses it is nothing to be worried about however Dr. Kaplan wants to make sure they decrease in size and that they aren't doing anything before I get started up on medication again.  They don't want to implant embryos in me with the possibility of more eggs dropping...I think.

Today I went in for an ultrasound so they could make a decision if I am going to go forward with the January 20th transfer or not.  On the ultrasound my right ovary was clear but there were 3 measurable follicles on the left.  Now it's just a matter of did they decrease in size or not.  I am sitting her with bated breath waiting for the nurse to call and give me my news.  I feel like I am constantly waiting for a call from a nurse giving me news.